


Dream On

by Arlene0401



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Blood and Gore, Canon - Manga, Heavy Angst, Love Confessions, M/M, Manga Spoilers, Multi, Pining, Reincarnation, based on chapter 80
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-18
Updated: 2016-04-18
Packaged: 2018-06-03 00:24:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,078
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6589279
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arlene0401/pseuds/Arlene0401
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It is the final battle of humans against titans. In the middle of death and chaos Levi has to face the fact that the two men he loves will probably not only die today, but will also die without knowing how he feels for them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dream On

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, chapter 80 broke me, there´s no other way to say it. And to deal with it, I had to write this angst and blood laden atrocity.  
> Basically, this is a continuing of said chapter.
> 
> Thanks to Fanbulance_Alert for reading this first and confirming all my worst fears with shouts of "ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME" XD
> 
> The lyrics are excerpts from "Dream On" by Depeche Mode.

He had never kissed Eren’s lips. Not that he didn’t want to. He craved it in fact in a way that had his body aching like he denied it oxygen.

He wanted to kiss Eren. Feel those lips against his own, the upper perfectly curved, the lower plumper, soft and inviting. Taste that sweet mouth, let it open up to him like a blooming flower.

He wanted to cradle the boy’s face in his hands, cup those cheeks, fresh and soft, the smooth skin blushing and heating up beneath his fingertips.

When he closed his eyes, he could see and feel and taste it as if it was real. He knew without a doubt how soft the brown locks would be when he buried his hands in it, how hot Eren’s breath would be on his skin.

And he would never have it. Would never allow himself to break and soil this precious child. It scared the hell out of him that he was lusting after this boy who was half his age. Even if said boy was returning his feelings. It was hard to miss his lingering gazes and the way his fingers twitched when he was near as if he was fighting to keep his hands to himself.

_Feel the fever coming_  
You're shaking and twitching  
You can scratch all over  
But that won't stop you itching 

Not that his sexual cravings were the worst of it. They were only the visible part of the iceberg, so to say. The truth ran way deeper that that. He wanted to hoist the kid on his horse and run away with him. Keep him somewhere safe and warm, away from this chaos and death, wanted to wake up to his smiling face and fall asleep to it. He wanted to grow old with him, share all the little insignificant things of an every day life that in reality meant the world.

He was fucking head over heels for this boy.

And this was still not the worst part.

The worst part was that Eren was not the only one who held a place in his heart.

When he’d first caught a glimpse of Erwin hunting him down with a calm face and a hint of madness in his eyes, when he’d been forced down on his knees in the mud, bound and beaten and humiliated, he had hated the man with a passion. For this and for a multitude of other reasons he’d sworn to kill Erwin as soon as he got a chance.

But Erwin had… what was it? Had he shown him a noble cause to fight for? Had he infected him with his madness, lured him into his delusions? Either way, he had chosen not to kill Erwin, but to follow him. And over the years, he had come to realize that he would follow Erwin to any end. To death and annihilation, to hell and back, to oblivion. Because he knew this didn’t just go one way. Erwin would always listen to him, never disregard his objections. Erwin trusted him, valued him highly, not only as humanity’s strongest, but as an individual. Over the years, they had formed a mutual trust and understanding that he had never thought possible. Being with Erwin was… easy - easy as breathing. Erwin accepted him for what he was, never made him feel out of place for his lack of education, manners or tact. He knew most people viewed him as the commander’s pitbull, baring his vicious teeth when Erwin’s political responsibility didn’t allow him to, and conveniently being yanked back on his leash when his service was no longer afforded. It didn’t bother him, because he knew this wasn’t the truth.

What did bother him was that his mind kept trying to read more into Erwin’s words and actions than there could possibly be. Tried to detect fondness in his voice, in every gaze, in every pat on his shoulder. Fantasized to be pressed flush against that broad chest, bury his fingers in immaculate blond hair and breath in the scent that was leather and army-issued shaving soap and purely Erwin. And while he wanted, yearned so much more, he forced the feelings down in his aching chest. There was no way the commander might be thinking of him in this way, and even if it was so… was it even love that he felt? It wasn’t possible to feel so strongly for two persons. Surely it wasn’t love, but some twisted, perverted obsession, and he could not give in to it and allow himself to drag Eren or Erwin down with him. Every single person he had loved, every one who got close to him was doomed to fall. He was cursed, and death followed his trail with dogged determination. His mother. Isabel and Farlan. Even Kenny had been fond of him in his own sick way and had met his end because of him.

But oh, what a sight it would be to come home and be greeted by two smiling faces, one fresh and full of energy, the other calm and comforting. He couldn’t help picturing peaceful mornings over tea and newspapers. Long rides through the fields. Candle-lit evenings on the porch, listening to crickets. Nights of passion and heartbreaking tenderness. Cheesy, delusional fantasies.

_It sucked you in, it dragged you down_  
To where there is no hallowed ground  
Where holiness is never found 

And now Erwin was about to sacrifice his life, along with a large number of new recruits, because there was no other possible solution. They would be the decoy, charging at the giant ape-thing and his semicircle of titans, with no cover, over open fields, and he would try to sneak up on the monster and cut it down and end this. They had discussed it, and he had agreed, although everything in him screamed no. There was no other way. They were closed in, having lost almost all the horses, with rapidly dwindling cover and no other means to fight. They had to fulfill their duty, after all, millions of lives and the future of humankind teetering on the edge of total annihilation. Selfishly arguing, for the sake of one person who might only last a few more hours if he refused to agree, was out of question. He hadn’t given up everything for this purpose just to cave in in a moment of weakness. It was a slim chance, but the only chance they had, and he fought the scream that was about to build up in him. He would perservere, just some more minutes. He had kept hanging on and kept his facade up for years now, he could manage these few minutes until Erwin left, keeping the image the man had of him intact, unsoiled by the ugly truth.

Erwin bade him aside, maybe for some last instructions, maybe for a goodbye, although he didn’t think the man so sentimental. And was totally caught unawares when Erwin looked into his eyes with such warmth and adoration that he felt his heart stopping.

“Levi, before I go… there is something I want you to know. Chalk it up to death bed confessions, but… I love you. I have no expectations that you return my feelings. When I first set my eyes on you, you were like a bird of prey. Free and wild and beautiful, and I had to trap you in my net and drag you along. You have every reason to hate me. I forced you into a life you never wanted, made you give up everything. Made you lose everything. And all just so I could have you by my side. Forgive me, Levi. But I love you.”

A calloused hand cupped his cheek, the skin rough, but the touch gentle. He was about to suffocate, this couldn’t possibly be true. Fate could not be this cruel. Could not place what he had wanted for years into his hands just to rip it from him a moment later. 

Well, it wasn’t exactly like he expected to live with the agony for long. So, for now, there was only one thing to do. Let Erwin know he didn’t hate him, far from it, and let him go in peace. He gazed up into Erwin’s eyes, warm and full of regret and sorrow, and searched desperately for the words to give him absolution. He had never been good with words, so there was only one answer he came up with.

He slipped his hands around Erwin’s neck, pulled him down and kissed him. Kissed him with all he had, put into it everything he couldn’t say. Erwin let out a surprised little noise, but seemed to get over the initial shock quickly, for a strong arm wrapped around his back, and his kiss was returned just as eagerly. Finally, they broke off.

“Erwin Smith, you asshole. I’ll see you in hell, and then we’ll have to talk some things over.”

And Erwin smiled and kissed his forehead and set off, trusting in him to make use of the blood that would be spilled.

_There's no time for hesitating_  
Pain is ready, pain is waiting  
Primed to do it's educating 

He looked up at the wall, where Eren’s titan form was still lying on its back where it had probably been thrown or kicked by the colossal titan, and it was unsettling that he showed no signs of recovery. But he pushed all thoughts of Erwin’s upcoming end, of Eren’s possible injuries aside. Humankind could maybe survive without Erwin Smith, but it needed him to keep his shit together.

He took a deep breath and jumped, landed on the nearest titan and sliced its neck. This way he proceeded, around the semicircle of eerily silent, unmoving figures. Jump, slice. Jump, slice. Out of the corner of his eye he followed the movement or Erwin’s last squad across the fields, the actions of the beast titan. It almost seemed to have anticipated the move, and this thought was most unsettling. He prayed that it hadn’t foreseen his stealth attack too.

Suddenly the beast titan moved, grabbed another handful of boulders and hurled them with deliberate thoughtfulness and precision across the field, in a strangely graceful and fluid movement, and it was exactly what they had known would happen, but it was no less horrible to watch. 

The boulders tumbled across the field, fanning out, and he nearly lost his aim and got tangled in his gear while he couldn’t tear his eyes away. He stopped, dangling from a titan’s shoulder, and watched the rocks approach the group of soldiers in slow motion, and as they found their aim the horses and soldiers simply… evaporated. They disappeared in a cloud of dust and dirt and sickening red spray. What remained was scattered rubble and limbs and twitching bodies, writhing in agony. But still the rest charged on, if driven by desperation, death-defiance or panic he couldn’t tell. Time to get moving again if he didn’t want their sacrifice to be in vain.

He zipped along the line of titans, trying not to pay attention as the beast titan calmly threw another load, and another, steadily decimating the number of humans in front of him, like it was all just some sort of sick aiming practise. By now only a handful of them remained, the fields behind them littered in red, the meadows transformed into what looked like a field of poppies, deceivingly bright and garish.

And then they were all gone, and the few who weren’t dead yet were barely moving, twisted and maimed and broken. Somewhere in this indistinguishable mess was Erwin, proud commander of the survey corps, unstoppable even with one arm torn off. The man he’d known for countless years, loved for nearly as many, the man whose kiss he could still taste on his lips, and it felt surreal that this once breathing, living person was now just a smear of red under an indifferent sky. He had witnessed many deaths, and none of them had left him unaffected, but this… it just couldn’t be that Erwin Smith was not walking the earth anymore.

He couldn’t indulge in sombre inspections now, for he had almost reached the beast titan, was almost there, could already make out the spot where he’d sink in his blades, and he felt a great calmness overcome him as he focused on the task ahead - 

and the ape moved.

He watched in horror as the thing made its way straight ahead towards the town, moving with a quick agility that seemed impossible for a creature this size, and the other titans followed as one. They were heading towards the rest of the soldiers, towards Eren who was still perched on top of the wall, and why did he still not move?

Even in continuing along the line of titans he couldn’t reach the beast titan, it was too far ahead of the rest. He had failed. Failed again. Just like he had failed with the female titan. The armored. The colossal. Maybe he wasn’t humanity’s strongest. He may be fit to cut down average titans, but these shape-shifters had eluded him time and again. They were unbeatable. Unstoppable. They had outplayed him, one after the other, proved that they were more than him, more than any human could be. Since the shape-shifters had made their first appearance, everything had gone wrong, and his luck had left him so he´d messed up time and again. They were like cruel deities coming to casually thwart humankind´s struggles for survival. It was his job, as humanity´s strongest, to fight them. And he had been too weak for the task.

_Blame it on your karmic curse_  
Oh shame upon the universe  
It knows its lines  
It's well rehearsed 

Even so, he sped ahead, he couldn’t just ride piggy-back on a titan and enjoy the view. Maybe, just maybe he could beat the beast to the wall and save Eren. Save the only thing that stood between survival and total destruction. He had to. He must. He moved at a reckless speed, and it helped that the titans themselves were moving in the same direction, but still the beast could trudge straight on while he had to take the roundabout route along the semicircle. And he’d have to climb and run along the wall to where Eren was lying.

Please, be safe, please be alive. Please, let me save you.

Every chance he got, he glanced up at Eren. What the hell was wrong? If he was dead, his titan would be dissolving. It didn’t, but it didn‘t show any signs of healing either. Was he maybe knocked out, unconscious? In any case, if he was somehow trapped, he would have to be cut out, which would prove difficult since he was lying on his back.

He would somehow, magically, have to reach Eren first, release him from his titan and bring him to safety. Or cut down the beast titan while it climbed up the wall, busy and with its neck exposed. 

Finally, he reached the first ruins and houses, and he jumped off the titan he had just landed on and headed along the buildings, cutting short in the faint hope of saving a little time. There was no hope of approaching the beast titan here - it kept a distance from the other titans, and all buildings in its path had been flattened. Also, he was pretty sure it knew he was here, his presence had not gone unnoticed. It had glanced his way, and there had been an amused sparkle in those hellish eyes.

He was gaining ground now, caught up to the beast titan and sped ahead. He didn’t worry too much about the titans possibly attacking him - at this point, he was insignificant as an insect, and their interest was solely on Eren. The wall was towering above him now, cutting the sky from his view, and with just a few more jumps he’d be there. He prepared mentally for the direction of his velocity to change from horizontal to vertical, fired his hooks up high and swung around to avoid crashing face-first into the wall. Up, up, wind sweeping his hair back and the fast ascend making him slightly dizzy, even after years of practice, and then he was on the top and landed in a crouch.

Eren lay a small distance away, faint clouds of steam rising from his body, but he was not on his back anymore. The colossal titan had turned him around and was busying himself in trying to break open his back. He was going to pull Eren out and either kill him off in the process, or eat him, or let the ape thing eat him, whichever, and all would ultimately the same result. 

Mankind would be doomed. 

With a sickening crunching and splintering of bones, the titan’s back split and broke, and Eren emerged, limp and bloody and embedded in tissue. But before the colossal titan’s hand could reach for him, a green and brown blur hurled itself in between and hacked at the enormous fingers, heaved Eren up and dashed off.

He knew instantly that something was wrong. Something severe. The crude extraction method had severed off Eren’s left arm, and his legs were obviously broken, but the wounds weren’t bleeding, and his head hung limply at an odd angle. No. No. No. Please, no. It couldn’t be. It mustn’t. Without Eren, without this volatile boy who possessed powers that up to this point nobody understood, everything was lost.

He stopped short and lowered the boy gently to the ground. His face was ghostly pale, almost transcluent, underneath smears of blood, the eyes were closed. No breath passed his lips, and there was no pulse in his neck. There was no room for doubt or hope. Eren’s neck must have snapped when he crashed into the wall.

He dropped to his knees and cradled the limp body in his arms, his heart swelling in despair. There was no point in fighting anymore, now that all hope was lost. Humanity was doomed, and sitting here, rocking back and forth and feeling the tears well up in his eyes, he found he didn’t give a damn. The last parts of his heart that had been able to care had just been shattered into a million pieces that pierced him from within. His mind spiraled into darkness, out of control, trying to get away from this agony.

He had been able to say farewell to Erwin. But Eren… he had gone without knowing how much he was treasured, how much he was loved. And he found himself whispering into Eren’s ear, confessing his love, hoping against hope that there was still a tiny spark of life there, a faint remnant of Eren that could still listen. He smoothed the blood-streaked hair gently with his fingers, and when he at last bent down for the kiss he had dreamed of for so long, he met lips that were cool and unresponding and tasted of blood and bile.

Too late, too late, his mind cried in endless repeat, and he remembered the one time he´d come closest to cracking around Eren, the night when the kid had knocked on his door, freshly showered and shaking in his boots. It had taken Eren everything to muster up the courage to come to him, and instead of reaching out for his trembling hands and kissing those pleading lips he´d turned the boy away and closed the door. He had heard Eren sliding down on the other side and sobbing, hurt and confused, and all he could do was fall on his knees, press his forehead to the unyielding wood and clench his fists in frustration.

He never registered if the fingers that picked him up belonged to a skinless hand or a hairy paw, and it wasn’t important. What was important was that he was put out of his misery, and he felt almost grateful as he was lifted up. His eyes never left Eren’s face, and the last thing he saw was his own blood dripping down on the still form.

_As your bony fingers close around me_  
Long and spindly Death becomes me  
Heaven can you see what I see? 

***********

Levi woke up with a jerk and a scream tangled in his throat. His body was drenched in sweat, and his heart hammered hard against his ribcage. For a horrible moment he was disoriented, panicked at the darkness engulfing him, convinced he was inside the titan’s guts.

Then gentle, careful hands found his arms, his shoulders, and voices spoke to him. Kind, quiet voices, low and reassuring. A small lamp was switched on, and Levi found himself lying between Erwin and Eren, tucked securely in their embrace. He scanned their faces, sleepy but full of concern, and he took in his surroundings. A large bed with tasteful sheets that were now twisted and sweaty. Bedside tables with lamps, alarm clock, mineral water. Eren’s glasses. Some solid wood dressers. A couple of paintings that he now remembered Erwin had done.

It had been his past life he had dreamed about again. Their past lives. They had been born again, lord knows how many centuries later, and they had found each other again. In this life, all Levi’s dreams and fantasies had come true. Their domestic life was peaceful and full of mutual respect and affection. It could have been bliss. If only it weren’t for the memories. And the dreams.

Levi felt the tears he had been holding back spilling from his eyes. 

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Erwin, Eren… I failed you. Forgive me, I’m so sorry…” he sobbed, a stream of grief and regret. Erwin and Eren exchanged a glance over his head. Levi had this nightmare frequently, the feeling of somehow being guilty of their deaths gnawing at his guts. They always gave their best to calm him down and comfort him, but the frequent recurrence of his dreams showed them that their words didn’t sink far below the surface. They had their own memories and nightmares, too, but neither of them had witnessed the other ones’ deaths.

“Levi. Mankind survived, or we wouldn’t be here now. We are here, we are safe, there are no titans. We don’t know how, but they must have defeated the titans. It wasn’t all in vain. You did great. We all did the best we could, and the best we knew to.” Erwin murmured into Levi’s shoulder, while Eren wiped away his tears and kissed his forehead.

“We love you, Levi. In this life, and in any other life. We’re proud of you, and we love you. Without you, I would have been executed and dissected by the military police. Without you, Erwin would have been left to rot in prison, or been executed as well. We never would have made it this far without you. And like Erwin said, somehow they must have overcome the titans. Who knows, maybe they built a museum for you. A tiny shortass museum”, Eren added with a chuckle, and earned a weak smile.

“Also, if there´s someone who seriously fucked up and has to apologise, it´s me. Come on, after all this shit we meticulously planned I go along and end up staring idly at the morning sky while all of you are scheming and fighting just because I had to go for Bertl´s ankles like a rabid chihuahua. Talk about missing the chance for a grand exit.”

At this, they actually managed to snort, and after some purposefully lighthearted bantering, and straightening of sheets, they cuddled up again. Levi tucked his face into Eren´s chest while Erwin´s arms wrapped around his middle, and secured like this, feeling their heartbeats, he could finally ease off to sleep again.

They would make the most of this life they had together. Squeeze in as much happiness and love and laughter that they felt they needed to heal all the wounds and the scars they carried. And maybe, in the next life, there would be no more nightmares.

_Hey you pale and sickly child_  
You're death and living reconciled  
Been walking home a crooked mile 

_Can you feel a little love  
Dream on dream on_

**Author's Note:**

> You can find my SNK and personal blog under [glassesgirl0401](http://glassesgirl0401.tumblr.com)
> 
> Tissues and comfort chocolates are provided.


End file.
